A Look back
Looking back at her days of teen stardom through the lens of an adult, Lovato has compassion. “In hindsight, I don’t blame my 17-year-old self for being so miserable,” she said. “When I’m angry, it means that I’m actually hurting,” she added. “Young women in the industry who get labeled with ‘difficult to work with’ — it’s like, hey, maybe just for a second, consider that it’s not that I’m a bad person. It’s just that nobody’s listening to me and I’m hungry, and I’m tired and overworked and doing the best I can for an unmedicated 17-year-old.”
Exposing her imperfections to the world did little to alleviate internal pressures, though. Behind the scenes, Lovato pushed herself to be the idealized version of a successful pop star as her career progressed. Her first two albums from 2008 and 2009; filled with spunky pop-punk in the mode of Ashlee Simpson and Avril Lavigne.
Lovato hadn’t kept her queerness a secret, but she didn’t make many public pronouncements about it either. Until her 2017 documentary, when she stated that she is on a dating app; for both men and women. In March, she started seeing a male actor, and the relationship progressed quickly in quarantine, resulting in a July engagement. But in September — a month after her birthday — Lovato called it off.
Living Her Best Life
“I feel like I dodged a bullet because I wouldn’t have been living my truth for the rest of my life had I confined myself into that box of heteronormativity and monogamy,” she said, her voice sparking with energy. “And it took getting that close to shake me up and be like, wow, you really got to live your life for who you really are.”
Lovato’s understanding of her identity, as well as the status of her physical and mental health; which is complicated by the matrix of pop stardom. But a new generation of artists, including Billie Eillish, is pushing back against long-held expectations. “I think it was when Billie started wearing the baggy clothes, that was the first time I was like, I don’t have to be the super-sexy sexualized pop star,” Lovato said. “And it also never felt that comfortable to me. Like it’s not the most natural thing to me to go onstage in a leotard.”
That perspective shift led to a cascade of questions: “If I’m not the sexualized pop star with a big voice, then what am I?” Lovato asked herself. “I feel like ever since that awakening, I embraced my independence. I embraced the balance of both masculine and feminine parts of me. And I do feel in control more so than I’ve ever felt in my life.”
Demi Lovato Goin’ Out With A Bang!
In November, Lovato hosted the People’s Choice Awards in a series of luxurious, flowing wigs because; “I’m going out with a bang.” Then she chopped off most of her hair, a move that “felt like the first step in fully embracing myself,” she said. It was even shorter by the time we spoke. “I’m still on a journey to finding myself and this haircut’s just one step of the process,” she added. She left the topic with a hint: “More will come about that in time.”
Her new album has its share of vocal pyrotechnics, but it’s a far more intimate LP. Focused on telling the story of the past several years, its oldest song; recorded on Valentine’s Day in 2018. Its newest, a collaboration with Ariana Grande, has been added in the last few weeks. The punchy “Melon Cake,” inspired by the watermelons covered in fat-free whipped cream. Lovato used to receive on her birthday in lieu of actual cake, is about seeking the control she lacked for so long. And “California Sober,” a strummy mid-tempo, explains where Lovato is with her recovery today.
Demi Lovato Talks On Being Sober
“I haven’t been by-the-book sober since the summer of 2019,” she said. “I realized if I don’t allow myself some wiggle room, I go to the hard [expletive]. And that will be the death of me.”
Demi Lovato
Lovato is not substance-free. She permits herself weed and alcohol in moderation, and recognizes that she’ll get blowback for sharing her unconventional approach; which she firmly acknowledges isn’t for everyone. “Allowing myself to eat a Mexican pizza from Taco Bell, I found freedom in my eating disorder,” she said. “But it was so all-or-nothing and dogmatic with sobriety that I was just like, I don’t know how to live in total balance of my life.”
In the YouTube documentary; Elton John, who appears as a fan and mentor, frowns on this decision: “Moderation doesn’t work,” he says. “You either do it, or you don’t.” Braun said he and Lovato don’t agree on everything; but he has urged her to think of herself as a “real model,” rather than a role model. “You want to tell the truth. And you’re constantly learning,” he said. “No one can live up to the expectation of perfection.”
In many ways, Lovato has always shared more of herself outside of her music than inside of it. Something that is changing with her new album, particularly as she wrote from a more queer perspective. “When I look back at music in the past that was more hesitant to be as open as I am today, I feel like I just robbed myself of vulnerability in some of those songs,” she said.
Talking about the broader changes in her life, she sounded peaceful. Though her journey’s far from over; “I’m ready to feel like myself.” She smiled. “I’m finally being honest with myself.”
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